31 July 2007 - "‘Write About Being A Misfit’"

I was just scrolling through a website, trying to find inspiration for a new blog. On this website it had a list of journal topics. None of them seemed to appeal to me at all until I scrolled across this on:

Write about being a misfit.

Oho! A topic I can expand on greatly! You see, I live in a council estate, surrounded by the lowest of the low: 15 year old girls with babies, criminals and no-hopers. I, however, have every intention of getting out of this place. But the thing is, that practically everyone around me are what I would put under the category of ‘chavs’ and because I like rock music, apparently that makes me an emo.

Every time I venture out of my house I get insults thrown at me for the way I dress, because I don’t dress in tracksuits or use fake tan. I don’t let these insults bother me as the people who shout them can’t think of anything more imaginative than ‘dirty mosher’ or ‘go slit your wrists’. However, it is disturbing nonetheless how some people react to seeing someone who has a different style to themselves.

About a week ago, I was walking to my car with my parents to pick my little sister up from her first overnight trip away from her family, when three girls started shouting ‘emo’ at me. I was rather disturbed as to why they were shouting this, as I a) had never spoken a single word to them before, and b) didn’t even look like an emo. I told them to get lost and ignored them because after all, who is going to be insulted by someone dressed head to toe in out-of-date Nike tracksuits?

Today, when I came upstairs to check my email, what did I hear but the distant shouts of ‘emo’? I looked startled outside my window and low and behold, what do I see but three tangoed pre-teens sitting on top of the garages facing my house, glaring through my bedroom window? Talk about ridiculous. They must have gone to great lengths to climb up on top of there just to shout at me. If they were nice people, I would be honoured that they thought so highly of me as to waste their time climbing up on top of the garages, especially with that extra baggage they’re all carrying.

Is it just me or is that more than a little bit lame? What are your own personal experiences of feeling like a misfit? Oh yes, and if any of you lot have Myspace, click here to go to mine. Make sure you add me

28 July 2007 - "Just A Quick Note"

I just thought I’d let you guys know that I’m going away for a week to caravan in Blackpool. Woop woop…

Anyhoot, if you want to contact me, you can email me on the following email address and I’ll be able to receive it via my mobile phone. omgitsarah@o2imail.co.uk.

Please do email me because the odds are, I’m going to be very bored. I mean, stuck in a caravan with people who annoy me for a week. Sound like fun to you? Hopefully I’ll make some new friends like last time I went caravaning, so it shouldn’t be too bad. Hopefully.

Anyway, give me something nice to read when I come back. Tell me, what are you Englanders doing on your summer holidays? And as for you lot still stuck in school (ha!), having fun?

22 July 2007 - "I Wish That I Was Anywhere, With Anyone"

I would like to begin this blog entry by apologising for the lack of attention I’ve been paying to this website over the past week or so and hopefully reassure the more concerned of you that I am indeed alive and well and ready to devote more time to my space on the WWW. With my apology out of the way, I would like to continue with my blog.

I am not feeling quite myself recently, for reasons both explainable and unexplainable. When I say that these reasons are ‘unexplainable’, I do not mean, as in previous cases, that I can’t post about them here; I mean that I do not know exactly why myself. Or at least can not begin to describe what it is I feel.

It is through no-one’s fault that I feel like this and it, I believe, is not through my own fault. What I think the main problem seems to be with me, is that I have always had a pressurised awareness of time. Time passing. Time lost. Time unregainable.

With the end of another school year, the fact that my time is slipping away eats at me. Something which I have never told anyone (but for some reason am about to post on the WWW) is that when I was younger, about four or five I think, I would keep a chart on my bedroom wall. A chart counting the number of days which I had survived because I always thought that the day I was living was my last. I can’t remember when I stopped keeping that chart but I know that all through my life, that thought never left my head. That tiny voice at the back of my head which taunted me with the question ‘What about tomorrow? Reckon you’re lucky enough?’.

The mortality of myself and those around me has always been something which aggrivated me, which upset me, which teased me. But if you were to ask me why, I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. I just feel like I’m about to break any second and yet, at the same time, I feel unbreakable. I feel like life for me will never end and yet I feel that death is around the corner. Does that make sense? No. I haven’t explained it properly.

Perhaps it is simply down to the fact that I fear death more than the average person. The fact that I’ve always thought, hoped, that there is something different, special, about me that would protect me, save me or at least make the life that I have amazing and affect the world. Then, I am certain that each and every single one of you out there feels that they are special in someway or another. Unique.

The song I am listening to at this very moment in time (Ender Will Save Us All by Dashboard Confessional) has lead me to another conclusion. Here are the relevent lines from the song:

I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?

What if what we all need in order not to go crazy, is the belief that we are special? The belief that we will be spared, even if it is not true.