16 November 2007 - "Alone"

You often hear people talking about being alone, whether this meaning literally being alone or simply feeling alone, but when it comes to feeling it yourself it’s quite different from all of the clichés.

Some people like to talk about how they feel alone whilst around other people, which on first thought seems like a bit of a stupid thing to say because you are obviously not alone when other people are around you. However being alone and feeling alone are evidently two completely different things. Have you ever been surrounded by people and you’re numb to everything that they’re saying? You seem to have ‘that sinking feeling’ 24/7 and your eyes seem to be permanently glazed over. In that moment you can do one of two things. The first is that you snap yourself out of it and try to ignore whatever put you into that state in the first place, or you can carry that moment of loneliness around with you all day and for the rest of that time you will have that sinking feeling and your eyes will always look glazed over.

So if you can feel that alone, that desperate, when you’re surrounded by people, can you imagine how much worse it must be to be by yourself and feeling alone? You feel empty and even that stupid sinking sensation has deserted you. You fail to find any source of entertainment in anything around you.  The only music which your ears will hear is the sound of your sighs. Your limbs will feel limp with lack of emotion.

I don’t class being alone, or loneliness as a feeling. I class it as being empty and so desperately unhappy that you are numb to any sort of sensation except, perhaps, misery. I think that being alone is a much deeper sensation, if you will, than what most people consider it to be. What do you consider being alone to be?

11 November 2007 - "A letter to myself"

This is a letter to myself ten years from now.

Hi Sarah,

Long time no see? This is yourself writing you a letter when she was fourteen years old. Do you remember her? Are you still her? Do you still make the same awkward mistakes that she continues to make? Do you still find everything embarrassing and surreal? Do you have any regrets?

Well, I’m not expecting a letter back; that would be stupid. Imagine knowing what will happen in the future… how boring would that be? I guess I’m just writing to remind you of who you were and what you were like. I might even be writing to change my own future, to stop you from doing something stupid. Yeah, don’t try and tell me that you’ve have never and will never do anything stupid. We’re the same person, right? I’d like to say that I know you better than anyone else but I don’t really know myself at the moment and I can only imagine how ten whole years have changed you.

Everything that I aspire to be now, did it fall into place? Or did I waste my time dreaming? Are you stuck in a mediocre life? Are you a wild party animal who is only intent upon killing herself? Or are you the complete opposite? Maybe you sit at home by yourself watching the TV, not even waiting for the phone to ring because you know that nobody will. Maybe you don’t want anyone to ring you either.

I want you to promise me that if my future isn’t good at the moment, you’ll make it better. You won’t let me down will you?

Yours, yourself.

Now I’m tagging you to write a letter to yourself ten years into the future. 

6 November 2007 - "Pointy nose"

Plugs as promised:

Katherine, Mellissa, Cody, Robbie, Sarah, Sean, Janelle, Tiffany, Mishie, Morgan and Chars.

Thank you everyone for linking me and if I’ve forgotten you here, make sure to let me know. The offer of pluggage still stands by the way. Let me know if you’ve linked me in your comment and I’ll plug me in my next blog, which will be quite soon. I wasn’t sure how long to wait until I posted a proper blog on here because I wanted the maximum number of people to link me. But I’m back now and just as eager to type out a load of crap for you lovely people to read.

So to help any new visitors out there find out a bit more about me, the topic of today’s blog is  ‘If I could change one thing about myself’.

The first thing which comes to mind when thinking about this particular topic would of course be vanity. I’d change the way I look. I’d change my body. I’d change my hair! I have a huge complex about the way I look and I particularly hate my nose. It’s not that it’s big or wonky, it’s that it’s so pointy. I would love to have a nose job but after seeing the Michael Jackson’s wonderful results, I don’t think I’d be able to go through with it.

Then, on looking at this question from a different perspective, I wondered what I would change about my personality. Would it be my need to be loud all the time? The way I always need to get my opinion across? Perhaps I would change my over bearing personality, which has been known to scare people. Maybe I would change the fact that I seem to be incapable of being nice to people who annoy me. Maybe I would just have a whole personality transplant, an idea which I’m sure would appeal to lots of people.

But then I come to wonder, if I did change my personality or even my stupid nose, would I still be the same person? Would having a nice, normal nose make me even more confident and consequently more over-bearing? If I wasn’t as loud would I feel the need to put on a front to make people listen to me and become even more annoying as a result? And even if the results of any changes which will never happen to me make me a better person, would I even be me anymore?

…And so, Sarah O’Rourke is here to stay, pointy nose and all.